For the folks at kudalakorn.com, who’ve been entertaining me for the past few weeks, a setting for Lovesick, 20 years on.

Thanks as always to p’Kuda for translating p’Hed’s entertaining novel

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Phun:  Not now!

Noh:    When?

Phun:  When you can stand up without grunting.

Noh:    I can stand up without grunting. (Stands. Groans) That was a groan. Not a grunt.

Phun:  Energetic as the day I met you.

Noh:    I don’t need this, bastard.

Phun:  I don’t think you have much choice.

Noh:    I’ve had better offers, you know.

Phun:  Really, better offers. The postman is only nice because we don’t get much mail.

Noh:    Well, there was Aim.

Phun:  Aim? Aim? That was 20 years ago.

Noh:    So?

Phun:  (Laughs) Fine. Just go. Do you know where she lives?

Noh:    I know where she lives. We dropped her off after a trip to the beach, one time. Remember?

Phun:  That was 20 years ago. She’s moved. Here I’ll text you her address.

Noh:    You don’t think I am going to do it. Wait. Why do you have her address?

Phun:  I don’t think you can do it. You don’t know the first thing about seducing a woman.

Noh:    I don’t know the first thing about women? Why do you have her address?

Phun:  No. But please. Give it your best try. We’ll talk about the address later.

Noh:    I will. She said she wanted me from the moment she laid her eyes on me.

Phun:  That was 20 years ago! And that’s not what she said.

Noh:    So? How do you know? You weren’t in that scene.  The offer was made. The offer is still good.

(Montage of Noh walking through Bangkok. Buying wine and chocolate. Popular song plays. Scenes from 20 years ago! Fans go wild to see the boys again).

(Ends with Noh in a high-rise apartment building. In front of a door: Room 17)

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(Noh’s hand: Knock knock)

Aim:     Who’s there?

Noh:    Aim, it’s Noh. I’ve come to be alone with you.

(Door opens with chain still on)

Aim:     Who?

Noh:    Noh. (Pause) From high school.

(Door Slams)

Aim:     Go away!

Noh:    Why? You don’t want to see me?

Aim:     Go away! You’re bad luck. I had a good thing until you came along and it’s finally going OK for me now. Go away.

Noh:    Aim, don’t be silly. What did I do to you?

Aim:     You seduced my boyfriend out from under me.

Noh:    Well, maybe. We’re still debating that. But besides that, I was always there for you. Or would have been if we’d have kept in touch.

Aim:     Well, you have a great way of showing up when I need you.

Noh:    I’m always there for you. It must be love.

Aim:     That’s easy for you to say. Too easy, actually. Are you sure that you’re Noh?

Noh:    The one and only. I’ve changed.

Aim:     I guess. It was a long time ago. I guess we can call it a truce.

Noh:    Were we ever at war?

:             (Door opens)

Noh:    Wow. You look like the moment I left you.

Aim:     The moment you left me? We were never together…You look like you’re going bald.

Noh:    You know. I’d call you an asshole for that, but I’m not the same boy. I’ve changed.

Aim:     You still gay?

Noh:    I haven’t changed that much. But look at you. Stunning. You still don’t need to wear makeup.

Aim:     Gee, thanks. But if you didn’t notice, I am wearing a ton. Why are you here?

Noh:    I’m here to grant you your wish. I’m going to spend time with you alone without Phun.

Aim:     Without Phun? That was 20 years ago. How is Phun anyway?

Noh:    And a long 20 years it was. (Goes into kitchen). Let’s forget about Phun and enjoy the night. It’s time we finished what we started.

Aim:     Where are you going? What we started? Get out!

Noh:    Where do you keep the corkscrew? I brought you a gift.

Aim:     I don’t want any wine….Is that Bourdeax?

Noh:    Yes.

Aim:     O.K. One glass. it’s in the third drawer to left. The glasses are in the. Never mind. Just whatever’s in that cupboard (points)

Noh:    (poors glass)

Here you go. To US. And our memories.

Aim:     To US? Those were horrible memories for me, you know.

Noh:    Yes to us, reconnecting after all these years. It’s sad that we parted.

Aim:     We were never dating

Noh:    But we could have been dating.

Aim:     You took my boyfriend.

Noh:    You lost your boyfriend.

Aim:     True. But that wasn’t the real me. I’m different now. I’m together. I’m trying not to be so unluckly. I’m getting married in a few weeks.

Noh:    A few weeks? We don’t have much time.

Aim:     For what? Why don’t you just go find Yuri and make her miserable?

Noh:    I would but she’s a nun and this is a romantic comedy and there’s no way I’m seducing a nun in a comedy. I don’t have the range for a drama like I used to.

Aim:     She’s not a nun any longer. She ran off…

Noh:    Shush. This isn’t her story. But ours. Together at last. Get ready, Aim. I’m taking you to bed.

Aim:     NO, you’re not. I’m getting married again in two weeks and I don’t want to mess it up.

Noh:    Again? How many times have you been married?

Aim:     This is my fourth.

Noh:    You never stopped playing around, did you.

Aim:     (SLAP)

Noh:    Ow. That hurts.

Aim:     It hasn’t been my fault. My first husband drown on our honeymoon.

Noh:    That’s awful. But you must have cheated on the second?

Aim:     No. The second one drown on our first anniversary.

Noh:    And the third? Did he drown on your…

Aim:     He was hit by a bus! Thanks for coming to the funerals by the way.

Noh:    I would have. You know it. But something tells me you don’t really mean that.

(Pause)

Noh:    Enough already. I’m taking you to bed.

Aim:     No you’re not.

Noh:    I am. (Lifts her in his arms). I’m sweeping you off your feet like I should have done 20 years ago and now we’re together. (grunts)  (Falls down)

Aim:     What’s the matter?

Noh:    My back. Ugh.

Aim:     Get up off the floor.

Noh:    If I could get up off the floor I wouldn’t be on the floor. Help me up.

Aim:     God, you could shed a few pounds.

Noh:    I think I can make it. I’ve got to lie down on the bed and it will pass…

Aim:     Oh, God, that trick. The hell with you. (drops him)

Noh:    OWWWWWWWWW!

Aim:     Get out!

Noh:    I can’t.

:             (pause)

Aim:     You really can’t, can you?

Noh:    No!

Aim:     Noh. O.K. get in there (helps him to bed)

Noh:    Thanks. I’m sorry.

Aim:     Oh don’t be.

Noh:    You know, you really don’t look bad. I’m sure you’ll make your new husband a good wife.

Aim:     Yeah. What I did was a long time ago.

Noh:    It was. Phun is right. I guess I don’t know how to seduce a woman.

Aim:     Oh, you didn’t do too bad. If you hadn’t messed up the “Sweeping me off my feet part” you would have done o.k.

Noh:    Really?

Aim:     If I were single, I would have had a tough time saying no.

Noh:    You mean that?

Aim:     No. But I said it anyway.

:             How long do these spasms last?

Noh:    Just a few hours. I’ll sleep for a bit, then I’ll just leave.

:             (Aim goes to bathroom, returns)

Aim:     Here, put this on

Noh:    What is it?

Aim:     In the U.S. it would be “Ben Gay”, I have no idea what it is in Thailand. My third husband had a bad back, too. Put it on.

Noh:    No. It will go away on its own.

Aim:     Put it on, old man.

Noh:    I’m not old.

Aim:     You’re not young.

Noh:    Look who’s talking?

(Slap)

OWWWWWWWWW!

Aim:     It wouldn’t hurt if you said thank you.

Noh:    Yeah. You’re a real Florence Nightingale

:             How am I supposed to put this on?

Aim:     With your hands

Noh:    If I could move my arms, I wouldn’t be in your bed!

Aim:     Figure it out?

Noh:    You really want me to suffer?

Aim:     Maybe…Oh, alright handsome, roll over.

Noh:    Give me a minute (grunt grunt grunt)

Aim:     This is going to sting

Noh:    Ow. Yes it does. (Aim smiles)

(Aim rubs on liniment)

Noh:    Where’s your fiancé by the way? I should probably give my blessing.

Aim:     (pokes Noh) He’s visiting his dying mother for a few days. After she passes, we’ll be married.

Noh:    Do you love him?

Aim:     (poke. Owww!)  you really want to talk about love. Again? I thought we covered that before.

Noh:    So no.

Aim:     No. But the third one isn’t about that. It’s about finding someone who’ll stick around.

(Aim lays down)

Aim:     O.K., gayboy. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on with you and Phun. It’s not like we don’t have anything better to do.

(fade to black)